(a) Children don’t have parents…….
When my partner and I were on the cusp of having our first child over three decades ago, at the get-together we had with my parents, I told them in as sensitive a way as possible, “Mum and Dad, when the child comes along, we will be putting the child first in all that we do, giving her/him priority and showering the kid with all our love – although, we hope, it won’t be indulgent. This will mean, mum and dad, that we will not be able to give you the kind of attention we are doing right now. I will (as also my other half) continue to love and care for you.”
I had to get home the message to them diplomatically that parents have children, not the other way around. Children don’t have a choice about appearing on this planet. Parents make that possible and parents owe everything to them in relation to tough love. This is not to say, being Jewish, that I was not going to abide by the fifth of the Ten Commandments – Honour thy father and thy mother.
The reason for this exchange with my mother and father was because we came from India and were of Jewish heritage where it is custom and practice that parents rear their children so that when the youngsters are adults and the parents are aged, they (the children) can look after and care for them. In other words, parents have children as an investment for their old age. However, it is possible for sons and daughters to honour their fathers and mothers while simultaneously putting their children first.
Many in the West have children, willy-nilly. It’s easily done as they fall in and out of love with free and often unprotected sex. And when children arrive, they become others’/society’s responsibility. Schools and academies are important segments of that society.
When children fail, it is the schools’ (and academies’) fault. When they succeed, many parents many parents are inclined to take the credit.
At the other end of the uncaring spectrum, is the inordinate and crazy pressures helicopter parents place on their children to flourish because they live through their children. Their children’s successes are theirs (the parents’ successes). They cause undue stress and trigger mental ill-health. Failing is not an option for these young people.
Some schools and academies are lucky to have parents who bring a sense of balance in their attitude towards their children’s growth and development. We know from good governance that the ingredients of a successful educational approach towards staff members is a combination of support and challenge. It is no different in the interactions between parents and children. Parental love for children must be unconditional. However, it must be tough love. When a daughter scores 70% in a science test, her parents must praise her and follow the praise with the question, “Now, darling, how can we learn from the mistakes you made that caused you to miss out on the 30%.”
Continue reading →